The UGCers Make a Movie
by dramaprez
Summary: One day, Cladwell gets an idea... the UGC will make a propaganda-filled movie for themselves! Can they do it when Lockstock thinks it's a stage play, Fipp thinks it's a campaign ad, and Mrs. Millennium's eyebrows scare small children? Rated to be safe.
1. Chapter 1: Cladwell's New Idea

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: I was just in a production of Urinetown at my school—my first school production—and I loved it! I played Mrs. Millennium, and at some point during the rehearsal process I got the idea for this story. After the show closed, I actually had time to write it! A lot of the things in here are references to my particular production that might not have been in the one you saw (McQueen's pink heels, for example). So… here it is…

One day, Caldwell B. Cladwell got bored. Very bored.

He had no idea what he should do with himself. He was planning on taking his whole staff to Hawaii with the latest bunch of pee money soon, but that time hadn't come yet. When the time between luxury vacations got too much, crazy ideas started occurring to Mr. Cladwell.

And now was such a time.

Cladwell suddenly got a great idea. He had to make a propaganda video for the Urine Good Company and the public toilets! He didn't create the system to send people to Urinetown, after all, but to get money for himself. Money didn't come if people didn't pay. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of this before.

"McQueen!" Cladwell called to the man who was in the corner polishing Cladwell's ten pairs of identical expensive shoes, three pairs of boots, and one pair of high heels—wait, where did those come from? Damn, his secretary should really be more discrete—or were those Ms. Brotworst's shoes, or maybe Ms. Uta's? He didn't know. The point was, they were definitely not his. Caldwell B. Cladwell, CEO of Urine Good Company—the single most powerful force of the day—did not wear high heels. A certain assistant was another matter… But enough about that. Back to McQueen. "Yes, sir?" he said.

"Call a meeting of all the staff members tomorrow at two!" Cladwell said. "I just had an idea that they need to be involved in."

"Yes, boss," McQueen said, and continued what he was doing.

Now, the only question was what to put in the video. He first thought, what do people like more than cute little children? And it so happened that Mr. Cladwell had a little girl of his own. Even more perfectly, her name was Hope. The video could feature the perfect modern family, the hope of the future!

…Except that it wasn't the perfect family. You see, Hope didn't really seem to have a mother. Of course, Cladwell knew that she did, but he also knew the rule: If the public doesn't know about it, it didn't happen. He had raised her and loved her, well, as much as he loved anyone, anyway.

Back to the video. He now realized he couldn't use Hope in that idea, as he didn't want to draw too much attention to the fact that she appeared to have popped into existence out of thin air. He couldn't let the fact that he had slept with most of his staff get out, now, could he? What else could he do? And then the idea came to him… a musical!

He could get everyone together, and they could come up with some songs! There would have to be songs glorifying him and the company, of course. There would also have to be some cool-sounding message that they supposedly stood for, because he didn't think asking people to donate to the "send the UGC to Hawaii" fund was going to cut it.

Just as Cladwell sat down to work on a script, he realized he had no idea if any of his staff could actually sing. Oh, well. He'd find out.


	2. Chapter 2: The Awful Rehearsal

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: Second chapter… Cladwell has decided to put on a musical… but can his staff actually sing? Can they dance? Can they even remember their lyrics? And if they can't, what will Mr. Cladwell do?

"No, McQueen, it's NOT 'end up here where those coins all belong,' however true that may be. It's 'end up here to correct all that's wrong.' I don't get how those things get confused. We don't want a revolution on our hands, do we, McQueen?"

"N-no, sir," stammered McQueen.

"Right. Now, everyone! From the top! And a one, and a two, and a five, six, seven, eight!"

Cladwell began to sing and dance, while the others danced around him.

"I saw gray skies, foreboding and cold

I saw gray skies, and made them rain gold!

Now those skies aren't too bleak to behold

Not so gray, and they pay for themselves by tenfold!

I took this down that formally stank—" here Mr. Cladwell wiggled his rear and kicked his foot back. His staff burst into giggles, because it's really funny when guys do that. Cladwell rolled his eyes and continued the song. "I took this town and made it smell swank,

I fixed things that seemed they would soon tank

I'm the man with the plan, and so who should you thank?"

At this part, the whole group burst into song:

"Mr. Cladwell, we're so thankful,

For that bank full of dough—"

"No, no, no!" said Cladwell. "Those are not the words. It's "Grateful for this great world we know!" As heartless as this may sound, people just don't seem to care about our luxury vacations. They actually don't know about that, and I'm trying to keep it that way. Also, Ms. Brotworst, it's right leg kick, then left leg kick, and THEN pirouette, not the other way around. And Ms. Vyper, are you even singing? I don't see your mouth moving. Come on, everyone!"

"I don't think this is working, Mr. Cladwell," said Senator Fipp, who was not in the song but happened to be there at the time. "Maybe your staff just don't sing and dance."

Cladwell realized that Senator Fipp might be right. What else could he do, though? He couldn't go back to his original idea—hey, maybe he could! He didn't have to use people who were actually related to play a family, did he? "All right. Change of plan," he announced. "We're now doing a video of the perfect modern family. I'm going to need one man, one woman and two children. We'll have auditions in two weeks."

"Um, what should we do for the audition?" Mrs. Millennium asked. She had actually been one of the better people in the musical number, and was disappointed that they weren't continuing with it, but Mr. Cladwell was right. Most of the staff kind of sucked.

"Just—just do something, okay?" Cladwell said. He had just realized he had no idea how to conduct an audition. This was going to be interesting.

"All right," said Mrs. Millennium, a bit unsure. She knew how auditions were supposed to work. There was supposed to be something specific you were supposed to do—at least something more specific than what Cladwell had said. However, she decided to just go with it. Cladwell's non-specificness probably meant that a lot of people were going to do incredibly stupid things for the audition. Mrs. Millennium was pretty sure Cladwell wasn't going to try to do another musical, so she didn't have to worry about singing or dancing. She already had something in mind to use for the audition. With that in mind, Mrs. Millennium went back to her office to finish her work/practice for the audition.


	3. Chapter 3: The Crazy Audition Process

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: Cladwell has given up on the musical and is holding auditions for a new movie. Problems occur when Cladwell has no idea how to conduct an audition, no one else knows how to audition, and an issue crops up that plagues many directors.

Mr. Cladwell sat behind his desk on the day of the audition. Ten people had signed up to audition. Only two of them were men. This could turn out to be a problem.

The two men came in first. One of them was McQueen. He was really bad. For some reason, he had decided to recite a monologue said by a really manly character, then showed up to the audition in purple dress pants and hot-pink heels, as usual. The other one was some random guy, who decided to do a dance routine. When Cladwell asked if he could recite something, he decided that this meant to recite the alphabet. Cladwell buried his face in his hands. There went his perfect family.

He decided it was only fair to proceed with the auditions. The first woman to audition was Ms. Brotworst. She decided to sing a song from some musical Cladwell had never heard of. Cladwell didn't care, since there was no singing involved in his new idea. Ms. Vyper actually did an appropriate audition piece, but Cladwell could barely tell since he could hardly hear her. Next came his secretary, who seemed more interested in flirting with him than in actually auditioning. When the two of them had put their clothes back on and she left, he finally called in the next person, and the next, and the next. There were only two women left. So far, no one was appropriate for either role.

One more woman came in. She did her part and was actually pretty good. He thought she would probably end up with the part, but then remembered he didn't have a man to play her husband, so he couldn't actually do the video. Wondering how he was going to tell the staff this, Cladwell called in the last person—Mrs. Millennium.

She was actually pretty good. She did a monologue from a play, and she was probably the best actual audition so far. There was only one problem, and it was the reason Mrs. Millennium had never made it in show business, no matter how hard she tried. That woman had the most disturbing face Mr. Cladwell had ever seen. She had huge, dark eyebrows that seemed to get bigger all the time. She had weird lips, too, and always had her face so it looked like she just swallowed a lemon and smelled some pee at the same time. How on earth could she be part of his perfect family? And in any case, no one was there to play her husband.

"Well, thank you," Cladwell said, and Mrs. Millennium left. Cladwell had no idea what he should do. He was no better off than he had been when he started. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Damn," Cladwell thought to himself, realizing he had completely forgotten about his scheduled meeting with Senator Fipp about the latest legislation regarding campaign financing and giving corporations freedom of speech. "Come in," He said. The door opened, and Fipp walked in.

"Well, Fipp, how are things on the floor of the Legislature?" Cladwell asked.

"Swimmingly, Mr. Cladwell. They know perfectly well who paid for the last one. How are things down here?"

"Well, I'm trying to make a video with my staff members as the actors, but they all suck."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I wanted the video to be about a family. I don't have any guys, though. Only two guys auditioned, and one of them barely even counts as a guy. The other one recited the alphabet for his monologue. I don't know what to do."

"Well, what about a non-traditional route? After all, I—"

"I KNOW, Fipp!"

"Well, anyway, do you have other actors?"

"I'm planning to use Dr. Mort's two kids for the children in the video, but I don't know for sure about a woman. Most of the girls on my staff can't act. Only two of them were decent."

"Which ones were they?"

"One of them was Uta, and the other was Mrs. Millennium." Cladwell showed Fipp pictures of the two. He kept pictures of everyone on his staff, just in case it should come in handy sometime. "It doesn't matter though, I don't have—" And then the idea came to him. "Fipp!"

"Yes, Cladwell?"

"You can be the man in the video. All right?" Of course it was all right. Cladwell did his little head-moving thing that hypnotized people and no one was sure how he did.

"Sure, of course," said Fipp. "I think Uta should be my wife, though."

"Certainly," Cladwell said. "Senator, my problems are solved in this area. Now, if you'll go and fix the problems on the floor of the Legislature, we should be in Rio in no time."

"Right away," Fipp said, and danced out of the room to music that had mysteriously begun.

The next day at the UGC, Cladwell called all of his staff together to announce the audition results.

"The cast for the new UGC video, directed and produced by me, will be as follows," Cladwell said. "The narrator will be played by Officer Lockstock. The husband, Mr. Smith, will be played by Senator Fipp."

"Aw, man!" groaned Alphabet Guy, who Cladwell had just remembered was actually named Kurt.

"I can still be the wife, though, right?" said McQueen.

"NO!" yelled Cladwell.

"But they didn't even audition!" whined Kurt.

"Shut up! Anyway, the wife will be played by Uta. Jane and Valerie Diane Mort will appear as themselves. And Mrs. Millennium will play the woman who decides to destroy the perfection!"

Uta grinned, proud of herself. Dr. Mort grinned, happy that his children would play such an important role in the new world. Mrs. Millennium was glad to have gotten a part, even one that she hadn't known existed. Cladwell had, in fact, decided to change things up a little to give the story some conflict. He realized that if the characters in the video were all perfect, the story wouldn't be that interesting, and that using an ugly person to represent the villain of the story could only be an added benefit. He had also added a narrator for the sake of a certain cop who spent half his time pretending to have an audience anyways.

"Can I be the sexy waitress who seduces—"

"That will be all, McQueen!" Cladwell interrupted.

"But I think—" McQueen protested.

"How many times do I have to tell you, SHUT UP!" Cladwell yelled. Then he remembered that he had hypnotizing powers and used them on everybody just to be safe. "Those of you who are actually in the movie, I have had the filming schedule printed up and delivered to each of your offices. If I need any more actors, I will ask for them, but I probably won't. Now, go back to what you were doing."

And so they did.


	4. Chapter 4: The Infamous Monkey Incident

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: The movie has been cast, and now it has to be filmed! Can Cladwell really expect his staff to have magically learned how to act in the meantime? How many interruptions can they stand? And what is this movie even about?

The first scenes that got filmed were the ones that took place in the UGC building. This was because it was convenient. As it turned out, the movie needed a lot more actors and some extras. In this way, practically the entire staff got to participate. However, Cladwell locked McQueen in his office because that wasn't the image he wanted to cultivate in the minds of the masses. The door was just ignored.

Senator Fipp's character, Mr. Smith, worked for the UGC. Of course, the narrator was there as well. Those scenes went pretty smoothly, except for the time when the door wasn't locked properly and McQueen popped out in his underwear, and the times when pretty much everyone's horrible acting got in the way, and the time when Ms. Brotworst decided it was an appropriate moment for a tap number, and the time when Mrs. Millennium walked by, and the time when a monkey ran through the shot and peed all over Cladwell. That was the last straw.

"MORT!" Cladwell screamed.

"Yes, boss?" said Dr. Mort, appearing at Cladwell's side.

"How many times do I have to tell you, the animal testing chamber is to be locked at all times? I am trying to film a movie here that will tell everyone how beautiful and wonderful our world will soon be, I don't need monkeys peeing all over it! All I can say is, thank dollars that smells aren't transmitted over film!" (Did you really expect Caldwell B. Cladwell to say "thank goodness"?) "The Stink Years are past! If I didn't know better, I'd say they had returned, which is exactly what we're trying to prevent! Lockstock!"

"Yes, Mr. Cladwell?"

"To Urinetown with this man! NOW!"

"No! NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Dr. Mort. It was useless, however. Lockstock tied a blindfold over his eyes and dragged him away. Soon after, they heard a great "NOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOO!" and a thud. Lockstock returned, dusting off his hands, and they were about to return to the film when Cladwell noticed that everyone who wasn't actually in the scene had poked their heads out of their offices to look on (including McQueen, in his underwear again).

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Cladwell yelled at his staff. "Get back to work, now! And McQueen, keep your clothes on!"

"But Mr. Cladwell, you make me wear pants appropriate to my gender! I can't possibly keep them on!"

"You're lucky I let you wear hot-pink three-inch heels with sparkles on them—why do I let you do that anyway? Go away!" yelled Cladwell, hypnotizing everyone again. Sure enough, the doors closed and the faces disappeared. Cladwell suddenly realized he had lost the link to his two child actors, who certainly wouldn't be too happy with him. Looked like he was going to end up using Hope after all.


	5. Chapter 5: A Scene Is Filmed

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: The next chapter… in which Little Sally makes an appearance, Fipp can't stop talking about his next campaign, and something actually gets accomplished on the movie.

The first scene that included Mrs. Millennium was filmed somewhere near Public Amenity Number 9, where Mr. Smith was wandering around for some reason. The plot was supposed to be that Mr. Smith met Mrs. Millennium's character, Ms. Mudd, there for the first time, only she told him her name was Ms. Jones. They fell in love with each other, and they started having an affair behind the rest of his family's backs. Then, Mr. Smith discovered that "Ms. Jones" was really named Ms. Mudd, and she was a secret spy for some poor people trying to overthrow the government. Mr. Smith went back and told his boss, and they all went and defeated the rebels.

Anyway, Cladwell had finally decided to let McQueen come along and be his camera assistant, mainly to make sure McQueen wouldn't accidentally appear in the movie somehow. McQueen wasn't there yet, though, and Cladwell was getting angry. He finally went off to find him himself, leaving his three actors who were part of the scene there.

As Lockstock was standing there, a little girl skipped out of the bushes. She looked very dirty and poor, and to Lockstock's dismay, she walked right up to him. "Hey, there, Officer!"

"Well, hello there," Lockstock said.

"Hi, I'm Little Sally! And before you ask, I don't really age; I just stay nine years old forever for plot reasons. Also, I can see through the fourth wall."

Lockstock fidgeted. He had thought the ability to see through the fourth wall was something only he had. Being able to see through the fourth wall, he suddenly realized that somewhere, someone was going to come up with the idea to make a musical out of all this. He wasn't sure whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing though.

While he was thinking about this, Little Sally tugged on his sleeve and said, "Officer Lockstock, what are you doing?"

"Well, I'm waiting for my boss to come back so we can film a movie, Little Sally," he said.

"Really? I've never seen a movie. What's it called?"

"It's called _The Time I Got Bored By Caldwell B. Cladwell_. I think that's a working title, though."

"Yeah, probably. A bad title could really ruin a movie, you know. I've never seen one, but that's pretty obvious. What's the movie about?"

Before Lockstock could answer, he heard "MCQUEEN! What on earth were you doing back there? I'm surprised I haven't sent you to Urinetown yet! This is the last day you come out here with us!" There was a brief silence; Lockstock figured Cladwell was hypnotizing McQueen again. "Now, come on!"

"Ooh. He doesn't sound too happy. Urinetown, huh?"

"Right. Now, run along, Little Sally. I don't think you want to be around when he comes over—that's my boss, coming to film the movie."

"Oh. You're probably right. Nice to meet you! Bye!"

The girl ran away, and Cladwell and McQueen came into view. They finished setting up the filming equipment and started with the movie.

"Well, last we saw each other we—"

"Cut!" said Cladwell. "Officer Lockstock, you're not supposed to say "last we saw each other"! Why do you always say that? This is a continuous movie! The audience has been sitting there the whole time."

"Okay, okay." He said. He tried again: "Well, now Mr. Smith had to get home from work, but there was a traffic jam on the 405 so he had to drive through the poor side of town. It was really dirty, and he didn't like it that much. He told himself that this was why he went to work every day: to clean up these streets and make these people's lives better. That was all that anyone at the UGC wanted, after all." At the end of Lockstock's speech, Fipp was supposed to come on, so Lockstock left, wondering why there was even a narrator in this movie. He had thought movies normally just told the story with the visuals, and didn't have narrators. He wasn't going to complain, though; he liked being in the movie.

Anyway, Senator Fipp came walking into the shot. "No!" said Cladwell. "You're supposed to drive in, Fipp!"

"But then, why am I out of my car when I meet Ms. Mudd? It doesn't make—" Cladwell hypnotized Fipp again. "Yes, Cladwell," Fipp said, getting into the car and driving into the scene. Just as he did this, Little Sally came running back over, yelling, "Look! Look! It's a stranger in a car! Going somewhere, going—"

"Wrong musical, Little Sally!" yelled Soupy Sue, running in and leading Little Sally away. The UGC people ignored this, and started the shot again.

Senator Fipp drove into the scene in his car. He stopped the car, got out randomly as he had been told to, and started to talk to nobody. "Oh, this place is so dirty!" Fipp recited in a monotone. "But don't worry, it only reminds me of the reasons why I ran for office in this great country in the first place. I work for you, to help keep the pee off the streets and the water in the ground. I will help you make your lives better. Vote Fipp on Election Day—Children Workers Values. Thank you. I am Senator Fipp and I approve this message."

"What the hell was that?" exclaimed Cladwell. "First of all, this is not your personal advertisement. I'm filling your campaign chest; you have nothing to worry about. You don't need to mess with my script. Second of all, you are not Senator Fipp in this movie! You are Mr. Smith. And third of all, did you forget how to act? I've seen you give speeches before. You're way better at them."

"Oh, yeah, right," said Fipp.

"Good. Let's try that again."

"Oh, this place is so dirty!" Fipp said, with more expression this time. "My fellow citizens, my friends, my political opponents have allowed water consumption to go wild. This agenda will only hurt the average citizen. I am a man of vision, a maverick, just like you, and I will finally put a stop to waste and abuse of our precious resources. Vote for me, and we will progress toward a better future for our children, our parents, our brothers, our aunts, our uncles, our cousins, our grandmas, our grandpas, our sisters, our cats, our goldfish and the rats under our floorboards. Vote Fipp on Election Day—Children Workers Values. Thank you. I am Senator Fipp and I approve this message."

"That really wasn't any better," Cladwell said. "I think you're confused between filming this movie and filming the ads for your next election campaign. Also, that was possibly one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. Who came up with the slogan 'Children Workers Values' anyway?"

"You did, Mr. Cladwell," Fipp said. "You told me that most politicians talk about our children's future, our workers, or values, and that if I could put them all into one short phrase I'd be a shoo-in. It was the same conversation when you told me a man might be more likely to be elected than a woman, remember—"

"Yes, I do remember that, Fipp," Cladwell said, shaking his head. "Now, let's do that one more time, and actually follow the script."

"Okay," said Fipp. The cameras turned back on. "Oh, this place is so dirty!" Fipp exclaimed. "Never fear, residents. I am Senator Fipp and I am running for re-election in the United States Senate for California. I really care about you and your children, even if you do live here. In these past six years, I have helped to push this country in the right direction—but we still have a lot to do, through no fault of my own. My record on these issues is clear: I will fight and work hard to preserve the water that you hold dear. My opponent, on the other hand, actually had the nerve to say that I was being funded mainly by the Urine Good Company itself! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard (are you hearing this, Mr. Cladwell?)! Vote for me, and together we'll face the challenges of the new millennium—"

"YES?" said Mrs. Millennium, suddenly turning around. She hadn't been paying attention, since they hadn't gotten to her yet and probably wouldn't for a while, the way they were going.

"Never mind!" Cladwell said. "Also, that's Hope's line."

"Sorry!" said Mrs. Millennium, and went back to what she was doing.

"Anyway, Fipp, you just sound stupider and stupider every time this happens. What is with your sudden inability to just say your freaking lines!"

"Sorry, Mr. Cladwell, it won't happen again," stammered Fipp, as Cladwell was looking very aggravated by this point.

The filming started again. Fipp drove in yet again.

"Oh, this place is so dirty!" he said. "Luckily, the UGC is hard at work at the task of cleaning it up, and all the places like it! I should really get back in my car, and drive home to my family. I love them so much, my dear wife and my two children—"

"Cut!" said Cladwell. "You don't have two children anymore, remember?"

"Oh, right. Just one, right?"

"Yes."

They started again. "Oh, this place is so dirty! Luckily, the UGC is hard at work at the task of cleaning it up, and all the places like it! I should really get back in my car, and drive home to my family. I love them so much, my dear wife and my sweet little daughter, Hope Smith. That's her name because she is our future, our hope! It's just so perfect! But sometimes things get a little too perfect around where I live. Maybe that's why I drive through here…"

"Perfect! This script is amazing, don't you think?" Cladwell said, hypnotizing the others.

"Incredible!" they all said in perfect unison.

"Couldn't have done better myself, boys," Cladwell said. "Now, continue, from Ms. Mudd's entrance."

Mrs. Millennium walked into the scene. During her appearances as Ms. Mudd, she appeared in a bright, shiny blue mask.

"Excuse me, I think I'm lost," she said.

"Really?" Fipp said.

"Of course. Do you really think I live here?"

"Cut!" said Cladwell. "That was not your line, Mrs. Millennium. Let's not insult people we want to get money from, okay? From your entrance, again."

"Excuse me, I think I'm lost."

"Really?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, I'll help you, of course." He turned toward the camera. "After all, I work for the UGC, where we are all about helping people."

"I love that part, because it totally doesn't specify which people!" McQueen blurted.

"Well, so do I, McQueen, and now you'll get to hear it again because you talked in the middle of filming!" Cladwell said.

"Sorry, it won't happen again."

They started again. "Excuse me, I think I'm lost."

"Really?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, I'll help you, of course. After all, I work for the UGC, where we are all about helping people."

"You will?"

"Definitely. What's your name?"

"Julia Jones. What's yours?"

"Mark Smith. Where do you need to go?"

"555 Stoney Avenue. It's my mother's house, and she just moved so I've never been there before, and she got mixed up when she was giving me the directions and now I don't know how to get there. Here's this map."

"Okay. Let's get in my car."

They did, and then they drove out of the scene. "And… cut." Cladwell said. "That's the end of that scene. We can all go back to the UGC building now."

So they did.


	6. Chapter 6: The Grand Tour

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown.

Author's Note: Dr. Mort's replacement comes to UGC headquarters. As one of the veteran staff, Mrs. Millennium is put in charge of showing her around, introducing her to the staff, and most importantly, teaching her the blocking!

The day after that, a new worker arrived at the UGC. Her name was Dr. Billeaux, and she was the UGC's new mad scientist, replacing Dr. Mort.

Cladwell had asked Mrs. Millennium to show Dr. Billeaux around, so Mrs. Millennium did that. She first showed her the first floor.

"Well, this is the front office," Mrs. Millennium said. "People who are coming into the building come through here first. Everyone has to go through security over here. That's just an extra precaution, times being what they are. Ms. Daaz works the front office. She's all right, but she's always really busy, so don't bother her unless you need to."

They moved on to the second floor. In total, the building had exactly 73 and a half floors. The half was a little platform that had been added to the top as an addition to the little surprise that awaited certain people up there. As Millennium and Billeaux went from floor to floor, the offices of more important people were housed there until they would get to the 63rd floor, which contained the office of Caldwell B. Cladwell himself. His office took up the entire floor, and a pair of giant doors led into it from the small area where the elevators were. The next ten floors contained the labs, strategy planning rooms, conference halls, swimming pool, tennis courts, gym, movie theater, and blank space for extra suspense. Of course, nobody ever really used the swimming pool, tennis courts, gym or movie theater except for Cladwell and his daughter, except if it was a special occasion or he specifically invited them, which didn't happen that much. There was just too much to do around the UGC.

But Millennium and Billeaux hadn't gotten there yet. Before they got there, they passed McQueen's office ("once you meet him, you'll never mistake anyone else for him." "Why is that?" "Well, barely any other guys work for the UGC for some reason, but even out of the ones who do, he's the only one who wears pink heels. There was one other guy who wore black heels, but McQueen was like, 'oh no, you didn't!' and the other guy said, 'What?' and McQueen said, 'you tryin' to copy me? Well, you just some old black and white copy from some copy machine that had been spilled coffee on, had sex on and kicked by some bored guy, LIKE ME! Oh no! oh snap! There's only room for one real woman around here!' and Senator Fipp was like, 'you called?' and McQueen was like, 'go away' and—" "I think I get the picture." "Okay. But seriously, he usually just follows whatever Cladwell tells him to do. I never saw him like that before and never have since."), the copy room ("Yes, this room houses the copy machine that's been spilled coffee on, had sex on and kicked by some bored guy." "Like McQueen?" "Yeah. It still works, though."), Ms. Brotworst's office ("If she didn't work here, she'd be on Broadway." "You mean, if she didn't work here and Broadway still existed?" "Yeah, that'd be about right. Sometimes I miss those days… But I know Mr. Cladwell will make all our lives better than they ever would have been."), a whole bunch of other people's offices, and finally, they got to the 63rd floor. When they got outside Cladwell's office, they heard voices in there.

"I told you, Fipp, just because you're starring in my movie doesn't mean you can just forget about the legislature! They had to vote without you on the new fee hike bill—and you started it in the first place! This is an embarrassment—to me, and I would hope, to you!"

"Okay, we probably shouldn't go in there right now," said Mrs. Millennium. Dr. Billeaux nodded in agreement.

"But you were the one who called filming to be at the same time as the v—I mean, I'm so sorry, Mr. Cladwell, it definitely won't happen again," Fipp said.

"Exactly, Fipp," Cladwell replied. "As my secret representative in the Legislature, you should try to ensure that these votes happen on time! If it had happened two days before, when it was scheduled to be, there would have been no problem, would there?"

"Of course not," said Fipp.

"Well, at least it passed," said Cladwell. "We were lucky this time. Well, that's all for today. You know when the next time is that you have to come for filming?"

"Yes, Cladwell. Four days from tomorrow—"

"Why did you just say four days from tomorrow? Couldn't you just say five days from now?"

"Yes, I definitely could. But anyway, it's then, at the house we're using."

"Exactly. Well, Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Cladwell."

The door opened and Fipp walked out. He nodded briefly to Mrs. Millennium, got in the elevator and was gone. The doors to Cladwell's office closed, and Millennium and Billeaux were left standing outside.

"Well, even though Fipp's gone, Cladwell probably doesn't want to be bothered right now," Mrs. Millennium said. "In case you don't know, that guy who just left was Senator Fipp. He's our state's senator, or one of them anyway, and before you ask, I'm not sure what state that is either. Nobody seems to know, so it's probably not important. Anyway, he's a senator and he and Cladwell, should I say, help each other out often." She winked in an attempt to convey what she meant, but really just looked even more demented than usual. "Also, if he tries to flirt with you, he does that with everybody, except for me for some reason, including guys. That's even though I'm pretty sure he's married."

"He is? Really?" asked Billeaux.

"Yeah, I think so. There was definitely a woman named Fipp in here a while back, and who else could it possibly be? Although they looked kind of similar, maybe it was his sister. But why would his sister be here? I was pretty sure his sister refused to have anything to do with him when he went to politics, and pretty soon after that, she ended up in Urinetown. It's all so weird."

"Why do you know all that stuff about his sister, but you don't know if he's married or not?"

"Well, the thing with his sister was news around the UGC. We know every time someone goes to Urinetown, of course. Anyway, back to the tour. Cladwell's secretary, Ms. Hornblower, is probably in his office now. She's a really sweet woman, and pretty too, but don't be deceived—the rumors have been flying ever since she 'suddenly' became Cladwell's personal secretary. But never mind that. If you have to deal with anyone around here, she's probably the nicest one. Now, Mr. Cladwell himself… seriously, do not bother him. EVER. Unless there's a really big problem that you've already gone to the other relevant people about. If he asks you to do something, DO IT. This should be obvious. Now, he has a little yellow whistle that he always wears around his neck. It may look silly, but the last person who laughed at it was demoted to toilet cleaning duty—and you know the state of toilets these days. Anyway, when he blows the whistle, all the staff have to march in—no walking, running, skipping etcetera allowed, you must MARCH in—and stand in a line from shortest to tallest. Shortest starts on the right. You'd probably be somewhere near me, from the looks of you. This usually happens in one of two situations. Either he has to talk to all of us and it's short notice, so he couldn't just call a meeting, or he's introducing us to someone. If he's introducing us to someone, he's going to blow the whistle again once we're all in line, and the shortest person—as of now that'd be Liesel—marches forward and says their name. As they march back, the second person steps forward and so on. It took everyone ages to get it right the first time. Cladwell changed it about a trillion times. Since I've been here the longest out of just about anybody who's still here, I have to tell all this stuff to the new people, and there's more. If Cladwell gestures with his hands like this, it means… well, it could actually mean any more of a number of things. For now, just do whatever you see everyone else doing. Everyone catches on soon enough, once they start working here. It's almost creepy, really. And the one other thing: You know how Cladwell would always say, "Look the other way while we run this company the way we see fit, and we will keep the pee off the streets and the water in the ground"? Well, he still says that a lot, so if he does, on 'look', you do this"—Mrs. Millennium put her right hand up as if she were shielding her eyes, and turned her head to the side—"on the second 'we'—not the first or the third, a lot of people did that when we were first learning this—you do this"—she pointed to herself with both her thumbs—"and on 'fit', you stomp your foot and point to the ground with your right hand. Then, after he's done, you pump your right fist in the air twice and say, 'Hear, hear!' Wow, that was the longest time I've ever just talked for in a really long time. Now, let's run that whole thing!"

So they did that, and as you can imagine, it took a really, _really, _REALLY, _REALLY _long time.


	7. Chapter 7: A Bad Showmance?

Disclaimer: I don't own Urinetown. I also don't own "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, which the chapter is named after.

Author's Note: Mrs. Millennium has a strange, random and somewhat awkward realization. What is she going to do?

It was the end of another long, crazy day of filming. Mrs. Millennium couldn't complain too much, or at least not as much as some of the other actors, because she hadn't been in a scene for a while. The scene they had just done was the next totally coincidental meeting between Senator Fipp and Mrs. Millennium's characters. After that one, they would start running into each other accidentally-on-purpose, and then he would invite her over and all the major characters would be onscreen together for the first time. That hadn't been filmed yet, though. It would take a while to get there. Mrs. Millennium had no idea how anything would get done back at headquarters while all this was going on.

When she wasn't worrying about that, Mrs. Millennium was obsessing about something else. Strangely enough, Mrs. Millennium had started to feel like she had a crush on Senator Fipp. This wasn't completely out of nowhere or anything. Well, it was, but that was the point. She had, after all, done plays in high school, and somehow, the students cast as the leads always seemed to get together during rehearsals, then break up dramatically after the cast party.

Mrs. Millennium had decided to just ignore this new development, putting it down to the same forces that had affected her high school castmates. Besides, Fipp was known for hitting on just about anything that moved. She had no idea why she would ever even like him… except… power and money could just be so sexy… that was why she and everyone else had slept with Cladwell, after all, and each of them knew it meant nothing.

All the UGC people got back on the random company bus that was there to take them back and forth between headquarters and the various filming places. Mrs. Millennium and Senator Fipp ended up sitting next to each other.

"Ummm," said Fipp. "So, uh, what do you think about this movie?"

"Uh, I'm glad I'm in it," said Mrs. Millennium. "I used to want to be an actor, but I never got into anything, and then the water shortage happened, so I joined the UGC instead. So… yeah. Do you like the movie?"

"It's okay. You know I didn't audition for it."

"Yeah. I heard the only guys who did were McQueen—you can imagine how that must have gone—and Kurt. Why didn't you?"

"Well, mostly because no one told me about it."

"Well, yeah, that would make sense. When I auditioned, I thought there were only two parts open, so I didn't think I'd get it."

"Yeah, you're right."

"What?"

"Well, I was sort of there when Cladwell decided who the cast would be. He was deciding between you and Uta for the wife, and I suggested he cast her."

"Oh. I see," said Mrs. Millennium. What Fipp had just said upset her, but she supposed she shouldn't expect anything better from him.

"No. I mean my character is still having an affair with your character. I'm just married to her… and then you die… um… looking forward to Cladwell taking us all to Hawaii?"

"Yeah, of course," said Mrs. Millennium, grateful for the change of subject—but at the same time, it's hard to have a conversation while thinking about making out in swimsuits on a beach in Hawaii with the person you're talking to… but anyway… "I heard it might happen sooner once we start forcing everyone to buy the movie when it's done."

"Yeah, I heard that too. I mean, there are millions of people in the country, and even if we only made them pay one dollar for the movie, that would be millions of dollars right there."

"Glad you're with us, aren't you?" said Mrs. Millennium.

"Yeah, pretty much. I mean, the vacations are great, the money's awesome, and seeing that everyone else just doesn't have it just makes it that much better, you know?"

"Of course. That's the secret company slogan!" Of course, the real one wasn't that much better. 'Look the other way while we run this company the way we see fit'? Really? No one figured that out yet?

"Well, obviously I know that. All the other ones are awesome too. But there is the fact that—well, it would probably be really awkward if I explained this, so I won't. Yeah. The Senate's fun. It's like you just press buttons and vote on stuff, and then you watch weird stuff happen to America! No on this—people stay the same. Yes on this—people give you more money! Yes on this—people get really mad and go on a killing rampage! Fortunately that hasn't actually happened yet, and it's not going to because no one wants that to happen, so we'll try our best to prevent it. I mean, if it did, I'd seriously have to get out of there."

"I know, me too," said Mrs. Millennium, forgetting about the thing that Senator Fipp didn't want to say before—which was his entire aim, after all. "Hey, what would you think if—"

"And we're back at headquarters!" McQueen annoyed. Yes, 'annoyed' can now replace 'said' if what you just said is really annoying to someone—in this case, Mrs. Millennium. "Everyone please carefully exit the bus. Watch your step—there are stairs there!"

Everyone carefully exited the bus, watching out for the random stairs in the middle of the aisle before gracefully descending down the ramp that led down from the door of the bus down to the ground.


End file.
